I will if I can catch it.

I visit this sandwich shop from time to time where this dear old lady makes and cuts the best tasting sandwiches in the world……..ever!.

However, making tasty sandwiches is not as straightforward as it sounds. You see, although this dear old lady is great at making and cutting sandwiches, for some reason, she can’t hand me the change from my payment without dropping it.

The first time it happened I thought it was an accident – as I was bending down trying to retrieve the rolling coins. ‘Ooh sorry love’ she said as I waved her goodbye.

The next time I went in, it happened again. Coins scattering all over the place and me scrambling for them.

The third time I was ready. I wanted one of her sandwiches but knew there might some coin throwing and scrambling involved again.

I watched as she returned from the till, half a dozen coins in her hand. I held mine out as far as it would go, tongue sticking out in concentration.

But no – it happened again. All over the floor.

Next time I go there I’m going to take a wicket keeper’s glove.

I was walking down the street today just minding my own business. I noticed, about 200 hundred yards away, a woman walking towards me. She was on the same side of the path, nearest the road. Without thinking, I moved over to the other side of the path – it was automatic – like a driver moving over for an oncoming vehicle.

But so did she. We were both on the same side of the path again. I moved back over to the side of the path where I was originally.

But so did she. We were now 50 yards apart. A mild concern came over me – I moved back again to the other side.

But so did she. We were getting closer and closer. We both realised that we could collide but somehow we kept mirroring each other’s manoeuvres until we were so close that it felt like we were in a very narrow aisle trying so squeeze past each other, heads bowed swapping foot to foot. We even both muttered ‘Excuse me’ to each other.

Next time I’ll cross the road.

The pressure. I’m not sure I can live up to expectations. What I do on the night means a lot. The thing is, it only happens every 4 or 5 years and I’m nervous.

I have a choice of 5. I don’t know who to choose though – who’s the most attractive? Who would satisfy me the most? I’ve had one or two call round promising me everything and I must admit I was flattered. The others, however, have some mystery about them.

But it’s my duty. I have to do it for Queen and Country. Think of England.

I might need a glass or two but I’m sure I can manage it. It’s only little a ‘x‘after all.

It’s probably a man thing. I don’t know about my fellow males but I need to have something to read whilst I’m ‘doing a Number 2’. I’m not sure how it started but now I find myself incapable of…… well, you know, evacuating my bowels……unless I’m reading something.

I have to admit it’s usually a newspaper. I have a penchant for doing The Daily Telegraph crossword whilst sat on the loo but I’ll grab any newspaper or magazine on my way to the toilet. Even Bella magazine.

Half an hour is not too bad is it? Time flies when you’re enjoying yourself I suppose. In fact, on occasions, I have experienced pins and needles and numbness in my legs and can only imagine the almost indelible red ring the toilet seat leaves on my arse cheeks. In fact, there have been changes in government while I’ve been sat on the loo.

But it’s MY time – nobody elses. Not that you’d want to share it with me. Or I with you for that matter.

There have been times when it has got so urgent that I haven’t been able to grab a book, magazine or paper on my way to the toilet. But never fear. There is always something to hand – next time you’re sitting on the loo ‘laying the chocolate cable’ I bet you’ll pick up a shampoo bottle or toothpaste tube or even grab some coins from your pocket and sit and study them intently.

The things children say. There we were, walking in in tha park, without a care in the world. All of a sudden my eldest daughter pipes up, "Daddy, there's a heron in the thicket". The only response I could give was "Is there really darling?". But when I thought about what she'd said it made me proud and impressed. Proud because she'd referred to the copse/woodland as a thicket and impressed because the greyish looking object I could see WAS a heron.

Kids know more than they're letting on.

So it’s off and running. My Blog that is. I still have no idea where it’s going or what it will be about or even whether it will last.

It’s probably a whim – a temporary urge – but even temporary urges need satisfying. It’s not as though I have a particularly fascinating story to tell – a fairly unremarkable life in fact. It’s not as though I have a particularly strong viewpoint on anything that I want to evangelise about.

I suppose it’s the act of writing (typing is more accurate). Putting words on to paper (well, screen). Typing onto a screen is not as intimate as using pen and ink, not as unique. It’s more clinical in a way. Neat and tidy. And it’s instant. The push of a button bam! There it is for everyone to see.

If I had been using pen and paper there would be only the one (probably scruffy and dog-eared) copy to see and it would involve me pushing it under people’s noses to read. Or getting it published which, let’s face it, is highly unlikely.

So I’m just going to let it take on a life of it’s own. If one person I don’t know reads it then I suppose I will be satisfied. Maybe that will drive me on for more. Maybe I’ll get a dedicated readership. Maybe people from all over the world will read it. Maybe it’ll get published. Maybe I’ll be famous!

Maybe I’m talking crap.

Do you ever have those moments when ideas – thoughts – funny or otherwise come to you? You think ‘I must remember that’ then it’s gone as quick as it came? It could be about anything. Well, I used to carry a small notebook around with me and joint down, from time to time, anything that occurred to me. Below is a small sample from a couple of pages of one of those notebooks……………………

Camera Fujifilm 1000 zoom

23/2/03

donaldrusselldirect.com

celebdaq

24/12/02

marketplace.co.uk

pension

life assurance

health assurance

www.661.com

27/2/03 check refund from sky ntl

28/2/03 Ernest and Julio Gallo Turning Leaf Zinfandel 1997

Bouquet : Bubblegum

Taste : Jam some citrus – orange

Colour : Ruby umber?

What the f**k?

Boo hoo. No friends. What was I expecting anyway?

I'm at work now so things will be sporadic........shit, someone's coming..........

I blame the wine. And the fact that I have this overwhelming urge to write. I've often scrawled thoughts and ideas and jokes and things to do down in a little book that I carry around. You know, things that seemed funny or poignant or illuminating at the time. But, in the cold light of day, aren't.

Doing something like this seems neater somehow. I realise that there may have to be some discipline and in a way it has to be taken seriously.......but for me it may be quite cathartic.

If this gets going then you'll get to know me I suppose. Then it'll be a question of how much I give away about myself.

But for now, all I'm going to tell you is that I like (inter alia) wine, cooking, football and humour - in any order.

I hate stray or missing apostrophes.