I was excited. I had fancied her rotten for ages and we had been getting closer and closer. Tonight could be the night. The night when our feelings would finally get the better of us.

Earlier I had been to the Chemist. I came out with a comb, some paracetamol, toothpaste, a bar of carbolic soap, nasal strips……….and a packet of condoms. Which is what I went in there for in the first place.

I got home and took one out and debated with myself whether or not I should take it with me. Just in case. I was worried, though, that she might think I was being presumptious. On the other hand, if things did get carried away, I was worried that she might expect me to have a condom. In the end I decided to put one in my wallet.

We met as planned and went to our favourite pub. She bought the first drink and we sat down at a table, laughing and making small talk.

When we finished it was my turn to buy. I took out my wallet and flicked it open. To my horror, flipping over and over in slow motion in its silvery packet, was the condom. It seemed an age before it landed on the table ‘smack bang’ in the middle of us.

I had a great shag that night although it’s never worked since.

No matter how many times I’ve tried.