I’ve never been religious. I went to Sunday School as a kid but it turned me off. I’ve always considered myself as an atheist and even thought the Church was hypocritical. But I’m beginning to change. I haven’t seen the light or anything but it’s the politically correct brigade who are converting me. It all started when British Airways banned a member of staff from wearing a cross whilst working (no doubt, at the same time, allowing a veiled woman to push the food and drinks trolley down the aisle of the 747).

Now they’re talking about toning down Christmas for fear of offending other religions. For God’s sake! (ooops sorry).

This is a Christian country. We respect other religions.

Time we started respecting our own.

Having three children means that you have to be organised, versatile and patient. It’s a balancing act. Feeding them, making sure they do their homework, getting clothes ready for the next day.

Bedtime, particularly, requires great skill. Getting them to bed at a reasonable time so that you can have time to yourself is an art form itself.

Last night they were all in the play room. ‘Come on!’ I yelled. ‘It’s time for bed!’

‘Hang on, we’re doing something!’ they all hollered back.

‘Well finish what ever it is and get ready for bed! Now!’ I retorted.

‘Just a minute!’

A few minutes passed and still no sign that they were getting ready for bed. So I knocked on the playroom door and went in.

There they were, playing a game on their computer.

It was ‘The Sims’ and they were having trouble getting the characters to bed so they could turn it off.

I seem to be developing a relationship with a bird. The feathered kind of course. I’m lucky enough to have a back garden surrounded by trees which, of course, attract lots of birds.

Their chirruping and whistling is lovely to hear. Recently, I’ve been able to single out a bird that has a distinctive song. I’ve never seen it but once I decided to copy it and whistle back. But then it whistled back at me!

Now it’s happening more and more. Every time I walk out into the back garden I whistle our tune. If it’s there, it whistles back and this carries on until I go in.

But I’ve just had an awful thought.

What if it’s my neighbour who lives two doors down?

One of my best mates is a talented musician. He works full-time in the music industry and does solo gigs from time to time. He used to be in a band – well, a couple of bands – and writes all his own songs and lyrics. He’s played at the HQ Club in Camden as well as many other venues. He’s recorded demos and CDs. Whenever he and his family come round our house, out comes my acoustic guitar and we all have a sing song.

But he’s no ordinary rock star. He’s married with two children. Doesn’t drink or smoke and, if he’s not playing, is in bed early every night. In fact whenever I go and see him he ends up giving me a lift home after the gig.

I went to see him the other night play at a small venue in Greenwich. As usual, he did a great set and got a great reception. We were sat talking in the bar after he’d played (he was on mineral water, of course). Some of his old school mates were there who I’d never met before. They weren’t sure who I was and asked me how we’d met.

I suspect they expected a different answer to ‘At the ante-natal clinic.’

As you may be aware, I am the father of three daughters. It’s a female household where ‘girly’ things are the order of the day.

Despite this, I’ve tried to instil in all of them a love for football and, in particular, Arsenal. I can’t help it. It’s a family thing. My dad supported Arsenal, his dad supported Arsenal. I tell my girls that it’s the law.

It works sometimes. Sometimes they wear their Arsenal shirts without having to be asked (usually, it must be said, when they want something). Sometimes one or all of them will sit with me to watch a game. Well, five minutes of a game. Sometimes I’ll get asked a question out of nowhere, such as, ‘Dad, has Thierry Henry always scored goals?’ Those moments are priceless. It’s not indoctrination. It’s not torture. I told you what it is – it’s the law.

But I’ve been stupid. I’ve overlooked the one thing that could just tip the balance. Arsenal Ladies FC!

The Women’s Cup Final was live on BBC1 last week and Arsenal beat Leeds 5-0! And they also won the league! The Double! For the umpteenth time! I can’t believe I haven’t thought of taking my girls to the games before.

After the match I checked the Arsenal website (www.arsenal.com) to see if there were any more matches this season. But no, I’m going to have to wait until next season now.

I just have to keep them interested until then.

I’ve discovered a great way to get rid of those unwanted salesmen who knock at your front door in the hope that you’ll buy something from them. And it was quite by accident.

We had friends round and there were just about to leave when the doorbell rang. We were all walking towards the door - 4 adults and 5 children. One of the children opened the door and the salesman found himself confronted by a group of 9 people. He wasn’t quite sure what to say. He started stuttering whilst we were all watching him intently.

‘Yes?’ one of the adults enquired.

‘Well, erm…I was just….you know…well, wondering…..’ he said, as he was scratching his head.

‘What?’ another adult asked.

He went bright red and was frozen to the spot.

Then I started to sing a Christmas Carol.

There we were, all nine of us, singing ‘We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas…..’

His face was a picture! He had no option but to just laugh, look dumbfounded and walk away.

I wish I knew what he wanted.

We had a dinner party the other night. I did the cooking as usual and our guests could see me in full flow as our dining table is located at the end of the kitchen. And the wine was flowing – as usual.

I have my own small glass to drink from when I’m cooking or reading the paper or watching the football. I’ve become quite attached to it. Every time I use it I wash it up and place it in the same place in the cupboard so I know exactly where it is. It’s almost automatic – I can reach it with out looking.

When we sit down to dinner with friends the posh glasses come out – you know, the ones you only half fill and tulip shaped. When everyone is gone they’re carefully washed and put back. All the other stuff is put in the dishwasher.

Including my favourite wine glass.

Which is why I couldn’t find it for a while tonight. I wanted a glass of wine but I wanted it in my favourite glass. Nothing else would do. But I couldn’t find it and couldn’t remember where I’d last seen it. After what seemed like half an hour of searching I came to the conclusion that it must have been knocked over and smashed and swept up and put out with the rubbish. My favourite glass. Gone.

Then I remembered the dishwasher. I took a look inside and there it was at the back! Relieved, I reached in and took hold of it it.

And guess what? As I pulled it out, it broke.

We must have all experienced it. That feeling that you’ve been somewhere before when the fact of the matter is that you haven’t.

Déjà vu. Recently, scientists have been trying to study the phenomenon. But because the experience is such a fleeting one and you can’t tell when it’s going to happen it’s very difficult to measure.

Apparently there are some chronic sufferers and it affects their everyday lives. But it’s still almost impossible to study those people. A professor at a clinic rang up a patient of his who suffers from chronic déjà vu to ask him to come in so he could run some tests. But the patient refused to on the basis that he’d been there before. I suppose we’ll never know then.

Hang on, haven’t I told you this before?

I guess we all have a responsibility when it comes to global warming. I suspect all of us think about recycling even if we don’t do it religiously.

We’re constantly being told that the ice caps are melting, sea levels are rising (although we’re about to experience a water shortage…..!). Apparently we’re on the edge of catastrophe and past the point of no return.

It’s all down to us and our careless use of fossil fuels and electricity. Which is why it is important that we can predict what will happen to the weather in years to come.

A project has just been launched that will enable us to do just that. The more people that take part the more accurate the results will be. All we have to do is switch on our computers and run a programme that examines millions of climate models and predicts what is most likely to happen.

Just think of all the electricity it will use.

I set out below my views on freedom of speech, race, religion and censorship.

Thanks for taking time to read them.

Sometimes on my way home from work, I drop into the local supermarket to pick up a few things (usually including wine, of course).

I’ve began to notice that queues have a life all of their own. There must be a scientific or natural law that stipulates that any random queue must comprise of one or more or all of the following persons;

1.Someone who has trouble in opening the carrier bags to put their shopping in

2.An elderly person behind you who insists on standing as close as possible to you, invariably clutching a small bottle of gin or whiskey

3.A person who watches the till for every item scanned and triumphantly shouts ‘That’s on special offer!’ when the incorrect price is shown

4.Someone who says ‘Do you want the 35p?’ when the total comes to £7-35 for example and then spends 10 minutes rummaging in their purse or pocket not realising that they’re not actually speeding things up

5.A person who has forgotten something which means the cashier has to press a bell to call a colleague who then has to go to the back of the store to get the forgotten item for the customer who on returning says ‘We haven’t got what you wanted but will this do?’ only to be told ‘No. It’s ok I’ll leave it then’

6.Someone at the back of the queue who just wants to get home and open his bottle of wine

I have worked in the Criminal Justice System for over 20 years now. I’ve defended, prosecuted and also been a legal adviser to magistrates.

In all of that time, the government have been looking for ways to speed up the system. After all, justice delayed is justice denied.

The current vogue is to look at the American system and to see what we can learn from them.

But I reckon we should model ourselves on the system in Thailand. They can investigate, arrest, gather forensic evidence and take statements, hold a court hearing, convict and sentence all in the space of three weeks.

I admit it. I'm hooked. Celebrity Big Brother has got me.

MB: I'm a gynaecologist

PB: Really?

MB: A gynaecologist to the celebrities

PB: Well a twat's a twat.

It’s funny isn’t it? We all moan about the ‘rat race’ and being in the same old routine, day in, day out. The monotony of being in a rut.

So when I changed jobs recently it was like a breath of fresh air! Oh the excitement of it all! I’m working in the City meeting new people and seeing new places and doing different things.

But it hasn’t taken me long to get into a routine. I’m walking to the same railway station everyday, standing on the same part of the platform, reading the same newspaper, getting on the same carriage and seeing the same faces. Oh the monotony of it all.

Except the other day, during Christmas week, things got exciting again. I still went to the same station, got the same paper and even stood in the same place on the platform………….but the train was 5 carriages short! There I was waiting for the usual carriage to pull up right in front of me but it sped past!

People must have thought I was mad when they saw me gleefully running up the platform to jump on the last carriage, laughing my head off.

No wonder no one talks to me.

TV adverts can be entertaining. They can be funny or sad. Even clever and ingenious. Ridiculous even.

But some adverts are infuriating. Especially the ones that are issued by government departments about how we should live our lives.

The latest one is a man dressed as a plucked turkey attacking another man in his living room. They’re both seen rolling around the floor. It’s a sketch that Matt and David would be proud of. The message?

‘Make sure you defrost your turkey properly this Christmas’

It even goes on to say why this is necessary. Apparently we can get very ill if we don’t defrost it before cooking and eating it.

Maybe it’s an attempt by the government to reduce NHS queues. They’re banning smoking – wait and see, frozen turkeys will be banned next. And if you have roast turkey on Christmas Day and you become ill, you won’t be able to insist on NHS treatment if you didn’t defrost it properly.

A Nanny is a good person. She looks after your interests and does what’s best for you.

But my Nan never wiped my arse.

Ironic isn’t it? The Kyoto agreement is just signed and a huge explosion takes place in the Middle of England billowing billions of tonnes of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere.

One would have thought that with all the hot air politicians speak the ozone layer is extinct anyway.

I believe the Earth will recover – it always does. If we disrepect it, it will get rid of us and cleanse itself like a dog scratching fleas away.

You know what will happen next though – the fire is so big that we’ll run out of clean water.