Sometimes on my way home from work, I drop into the local supermarket to pick up a few things (usually including wine, of course).

I’ve began to notice that queues have a life all of their own. There must be a scientific or natural law that stipulates that any random queue must comprise of one or more or all of the following persons;

1.Someone who has trouble in opening the carrier bags to put their shopping in

2.An elderly person behind you who insists on standing as close as possible to you, invariably clutching a small bottle of gin or whiskey

3.A person who watches the till for every item scanned and triumphantly shouts ‘That’s on special offer!’ when the incorrect price is shown

4.Someone who says ‘Do you want the 35p?’ when the total comes to £7-35 for example and then spends 10 minutes rummaging in their purse or pocket not realising that they’re not actually speeding things up

5.A person who has forgotten something which means the cashier has to press a bell to call a colleague who then has to go to the back of the store to get the forgotten item for the customer who on returning says ‘We haven’t got what you wanted but will this do?’ only to be told ‘No. It’s ok I’ll leave it then’

6.Someone at the back of the queue who just wants to get home and open his bottle of wine

I have worked in the Criminal Justice System for over 20 years now. I’ve defended, prosecuted and also been a legal adviser to magistrates.

In all of that time, the government have been looking for ways to speed up the system. After all, justice delayed is justice denied.

The current vogue is to look at the American system and to see what we can learn from them.

But I reckon we should model ourselves on the system in Thailand. They can investigate, arrest, gather forensic evidence and take statements, hold a court hearing, convict and sentence all in the space of three weeks.

I admit it. I'm hooked. Celebrity Big Brother has got me.

MB: I'm a gynaecologist

PB: Really?

MB: A gynaecologist to the celebrities

PB: Well a twat's a twat.

It’s funny isn’t it? We all moan about the ‘rat race’ and being in the same old routine, day in, day out. The monotony of being in a rut.

So when I changed jobs recently it was like a breath of fresh air! Oh the excitement of it all! I’m working in the City meeting new people and seeing new places and doing different things.

But it hasn’t taken me long to get into a routine. I’m walking to the same railway station everyday, standing on the same part of the platform, reading the same newspaper, getting on the same carriage and seeing the same faces. Oh the monotony of it all.

Except the other day, during Christmas week, things got exciting again. I still went to the same station, got the same paper and even stood in the same place on the platform………….but the train was 5 carriages short! There I was waiting for the usual carriage to pull up right in front of me but it sped past!

People must have thought I was mad when they saw me gleefully running up the platform to jump on the last carriage, laughing my head off.

No wonder no one talks to me.