For some reason my local supermarket has decided to replace the ‘Baskets Only’ checkouts with those self scan tills. You know, the ones that we customers never know quite how to use.

It’s with a sense of trepidation that I approach these things. I always check that I’ve got no loose fruit and veg because that would certainly flummox me. The first problem is that you can never get the machine to read the barcode properly and it takes several swipes before you hear the ‘beep’ to confirm that it’s been scanned properly. When you do finally manage to scan the item a female voice pipes up and tells you that there’s an ‘Unexpected item in the baggage area’. Unexpected? Why? I’ve just scanned the bloody thing so the next thing I want to do is bag it! Maybe I should be telling the machine ‘Look, I’m just about to scan this tin of soup so don’t be surprised if it ends up in the baggage area’.

I thought I’d get clever though. I touched the screen where it said ‘Skip bagging’ in the hope that it wouldn’t be taken aback again. Wrong thing to do. If you ‘skip bagging’ too many times then special authorisation is needed to continue – but, of course, there is only one member of staff to assist with four tills and all the customers are having the same problem.

I suppose it is funny to watch – customers clutching the items with both hands in front of the scanner, tongue poking out in concentration, waving the item around and then having a sense of achievement as though they’ve just won a round on The Krypton Factor. The poor member of staff meanwhile is flitting from till to till punching in her code to allow us customers to continue.

For those who like to observe human behaviour it’s entertaining. For those who just want to get home with their shopping it’s frustrating.

And the last thing you want to hear is the female voice saying,

‘Thank you for using the fast lane.’