Security staff at airports weald enormous power. It’s no use trying to outfox them. Just comply.

I’m becoming a regular user of one particular airport and over the past few months have had a few things confiscated. They’re building up quite a collection of my stuff now.

Last time it was pease pudding. Yes. Pease pudding that I’d bought for Chief Nurse. It was sealed in an airtight container but nevertheless constituted a significant threat for it to be taken from me. Maybe the chap in question was having boiled ham for his tea.

Somehow he managed to miss the lemon cake and corned beef pie that I cunningly concealed under a t-shirt. Maybe I should lodge a complaint that he’s not doing his job properly.

But I realize that complaining will get me no where except a request to drop my trousers and bend over. Instead, I’ve come up with a plan.

I’ve heard that they’re going to be testing a device that can detect suspicious substances and liquids. Next time, I’m going to pee in a bottle and put it in my hand luggage.

Then, when I go through, they can really take the piss.